Welcome

Well I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way around

The Dixie Chicks performing 'Taking the Long Way'

Who am I? What is this blog about?

I am a woman in my early thirties.  I grew up in the midwest in the United States.  I lived and worked in a medium-sized town in England for over ten years as an adult.  Recently, I moved to Sweden.  After several years in England I realised I was very unhappy with my life choices.  I made many gradual changes and worked my way out of a moderate depression that lasted about two years.  

Depressive tendencies run in my mom’s side of the family.  It has affected every female on my mom's side of the family, including myself and my two sisters.  Having seen and experienced the body image and depressive struggles of all of these women,  am determined to be proactive about preventing future depressive episodes in my life.  I work every day to develop my self-awareness to recognize and correct depressive patterns. 

This blog is a record of things I have learned over the past three years as part of this ongoing process.  So many women struggle with these issues and research suggests that depression levels are continuing to increase with capitalism and materialistic consumption.  I hope my experiences can help other people who encounter the same feelings and struggles.

What happened?

Up until three years ago, I thought I pretty much had my life together (as did everyone around me).  I was married.  We had a home and a settled lifestyle.  Our financial situation was secure. These were all decisions made in my early adulthood that culturally are perceived as being decisive, adult, and permanent.  But as I approached my thirtieth birthday, I realised that:

• I was deeply depressed
• I was isolated, dependent on my partner, and without supportive friends or family
• I had made many smaller decisions that amounted to creating my life passively
• I was not living the life that I would actively have chosen
• Over the last 14 months I had many physical symptoms of depression without emotionally or mentally registering that something was deeply wrong
• I felt devastated by the idea that my life could continue on the current path for the next 50 years if I didn't make drastic changes. Deep in my heart, I knew it couldn't continue anymore.

Things clearly needed to change.  I channelled the desperate energy I was felt about the future into courage to make changes to take care of myself again. I’ve spent the last three years working on developing active habits that maintain and build my happiness so I don’t go through another complete life-overhaul again.  

What did I learn?

Lots of things, and I'm still learning, and that's what I want to share on this blog.  But to summarise some early points:

• I realized that it had been far too long since I had considered the patterns I had established in my life.  My life had become interminably mundane, predictable, settled, isolated, and suffocating. It had lost the diversity and energy that I need to feel happy and inspired.   
  
• Depression can manifest itself in many and diverse psychological ways.  My symptoms included daytime sleeping a lot, and dreaming of a completely other life. I forgot how to cook.  I had no interest in eating.  I had no interest in anything anymore.  I didn't know who I was or what I wanted anymore.  I seemed to have no opinion on anything.  I often told my partner (before I was diagnosed) that I felt like a shadow or a ghost in my own life.  My skin was terrible.  I had early-waking insomnia for 14 months. I had an unexpected, full-blown panic attack once when I thought I might be pregnant.  I never had a panic attack before and I have not had one since.
• I didn't want to speak to my family anymore, because I didn't think they would understand, I didn't want them to push me into a path that I didn't want (which would have been to save the marriage and keep going on this path), and I didn't want to have to fake being happy and ok anymore.

What was the breaking point?

One day I made a doctor's appointment to discuss my adult acne.  At the appointment, I mentioned to the nurse that I was also having trouble sleeping.  She gave me a quick test and informed me that I was displaying symptoms of moderate depression.  I was shocked, surprised, tearful, offended, and felt betrayed.  I felt angry and was certainly in denial.

Shortly afterwards my husband and I went on a week-long camping trip.  It was something that we did at least once a year and we always enjoyed.  The weather was perfect, but the experience felt very hollow to me.  I didn't want to be there.  I didn't think it was beautiful like it had been before.  I didn't have anything to say to him anymore. I didn't want to hold hands anymore.  I just wanted to be alone.  There was no joy in where we were or what we were doing.  There was no joy in being together, either.  He felt hurt.  He asked me what was wrong.  I said I didn't know. I only knew that I was very unhappy and needed space, time and things to change.  

I realised that my life as I knew it was over, absolutely over, until I could define what I wanted in my life.  I needed a renewed vision for my future: what I wanted it to look like, where I wanted it to be, what I wanted to be doing, who I wanted to be doing it with.  

It was a devastating time for both of us, by the way.  He knew what he wanted, which was what we currently had.  I had no idea what I wanted, but I knew that my body was telling me it wasn't the current arrangement. 

We cut the trip short and came home early.  I began to seriously research depression.  I wanted to know what I would be experiencing and how I could work on recovering from it.  Like everything nowadays, I wanted the answers and I wanted the results fast.  But it took me at least two years and daily work for the rest of my life to get back on track.